Thursday, February 16, 2006

diversionary tactics

I'm busy this evening battling various nasties on our other computer so I'll just give you this as a source of entertainment. You've probably seen these before - the questions and answers were taken off an international tourism website and have been swimming around the internet for just ages.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see polar bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles. Take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a
list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure,
the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come
naked. Bring beer.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No supermarkets. We are not able to build large enough igloos to house such a thing. Our food is delivered by beavers. Milk is illegal and you will be shot for even mentioning it.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattlesnakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget
its name. It's a kind of like a big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by wearing a clown suit and spraying yourself with human urine. Make sure to watch out for
their nests, as they are protective of their eggs.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Gotta love those tourists!


At February 16, 2006 11:48 p.m., Anonymous Wendy said...

Thanks for a good laugh - that was hysterical. I love wry, dry sracastic humour.

At February 17, 2006 2:23 a.m., Blogger illahee said...

hahaha! i've never seen those before.

At February 17, 2006 7:00 a.m., Blogger The SeaWitch said...

Some of the comments I've heard Greeks say to me over the years:
GreekWhy did you vote for Bush? You Americans really are stupid.
Me: I am Canadian, I'm not allowed to vote for Bush even if I wanted to.
Greek: Canadian. American. Same thing.
Me: Yes, I see what you mean. Just like Turkey and Greece are the same thing. (Then I run. LOL)

Greek: You swim in the ocean? That's ridiculous. You'd freeze to death.
Me: Since I do my swimming in summer, I don't really worry about freezing to death but I do worry about you guys boiling to death when you swim in the Mediterranean.

At February 17, 2006 7:23 a.m., Blogger Dr O2 said...

lol the NORTH & SPEAKING ENGLISH were the best but the whole thing rocks :-)

At February 17, 2006 8:02 a.m., Blogger Karen said...

Grin! Thanks for this really good laugh!

At February 17, 2006 8:03 a.m., Blogger lily b said...

Too funny! On an eighth grade trip to Washington D.C. we convinced some kids that we were still riding horses to school, fighting Indians and dipping our own candles. Ah, ignorance. So much fun.

At February 17, 2006 8:59 a.m., Blogger Michael Manning said...

Wild! Michele sent me too!!

At February 17, 2006 9:16 a.m., Blogger Lisa said...

*ROTFLMAO* That was a good one! As the official Last-To-Know-Anything I'd never seen it before. And you know I *so* identify with it now! :D

At February 17, 2006 9:31 a.m., Blogger hippo_pepperpot said...

lol... but I did ask Rollie some pretty stupid questions about England before we moved here. I had never been here...

1. Wich was does the water in the toilet go round when you flush it...

2. Is there Mc Donalds?

3. Is there Mexican food?

and loads of other really stupid questions.

England was nothing like I expected. It's way better.

At February 17, 2006 10:45 a.m., Anonymous lydia said...

Being English i have to say i liked the last one, can't even tell you how many stupid questions i got asked by various nationalities while working in harrods.

At February 17, 2006 11:03 a.m., Blogger Elemmaciltur said...


At February 17, 2006 1:27 p.m., Blogger CanadianSwiss said...

I almost peed my pants but decided to laugh tears instead. (I'm at work). Thanks for a great Q&A!

At February 17, 2006 2:02 p.m., Anonymous lillian said...

That was GREAT :-)

At February 17, 2006 2:08 p.m., Blogger Andrea said...

ahh thank you I am smiling again (giggles)

At February 17, 2006 3:23 p.m., Blogger Ms Mac said...

I especially liked the answer about the mooses (meeses?) I will remember that about the eggs.

At February 17, 2006 3:37 p.m., Blogger Antipodeesse said...

Wow, I'm booking a trip to Canada right away! I especially want to go to the hippo races and the Vienna Boys' Choir!

At February 17, 2006 5:06 p.m., Blogger Expat Traveler said...

Now those were funny! I'm in a bind too. I think I'll link to this and it will make my day anyways. :)

At February 17, 2006 5:31 p.m., Blogger Léons Life said...

I'd not heard those before and am interested in the address for the hippo races too, but only want to go if all the policemen wear their uniforms. You know the one with the red jacket and black trousers, that ALL the military wear there.

At February 17, 2006 5:32 p.m., Blogger Léons Life said...

... I forgot the knee high leather boots.

At February 17, 2006 6:24 p.m., Blogger Alison said...

LOL. That was too funny. Sadly it brought back painful flashbacks of working in tourism in NB. One very pleasant fellow wanted to know how much it would cost to rent PEI for a conference. *sigh*

At February 17, 2006 9:04 p.m., Blogger Betty said...

Thanks Christina. I learned a lot there!! leons life is right!! Those Mounties will be well worth the trip when we take that train ride.

At February 18, 2006 12:46 a.m., Blogger Dixie said...

Brilliant! I laughed so hard at this!

At February 18, 2006 1:15 a.m., Blogger Nyana said...

This is a big joke. On that note, I have to go to my underground "milk-dealer" to get some, then arrange delivery schedule for my fully grown plants for which we have paid $5,000 to import. And, I forget this one all the time: Do people need cutlery to drink milk in Canada?

At February 18, 2006 2:42 a.m., Blogger Mr. Fabulous said...

I am booking a flight to Canada as a result of this post. Who knew our neighbors to the north were so much fun!

At February 18, 2006 3:05 p.m., Blogger Ginnie said...

Now I REALLY wish I were Canadian (and not American!). UGH.

At February 18, 2006 10:17 p.m., Blogger christina said...

Can't possibly reply to all these comments but I'm glad you enjoyed the questions and answers. And I certainly don't think that Canadian tourists never ask stupid question, I bet they do and that they are out there somewhere on the internet waiting for us to find them! :-)

At February 19, 2006 3:18 p.m., Blogger cncz said...

My best friend is from Newfoundland. You would be surprised at how many times she gets asked if she lives in an igloo, goes ice fishing for food, and if they have a telephone where they live (in downtown St John's)

At February 19, 2006 7:22 p.m., Anonymous Vero said...

Just as Lily B said... We were standing in a queue at Disney in Florida, got bored of the long wait. So I took on the job of trying to fool some Americans into believing we lived in igloos and travelled by dog sleigh to get to school/work, and that we all hunted our meat on a day to day basis.

They believed every word of it. At that point, I decided Americans were very very scary.

(Found ya via Canadian Expat)

A canadian in the UK

At February 20, 2006 1:55 a.m., Blogger wthenrest said...

Very funny... I have read some of them before but you is still funny. Ahhh Canada the enigma.

At February 20, 2006 5:50 a.m., Blogger Donna said...

Even an American can appreciate this humor - thanks for the laugh. :)

At February 20, 2006 12:11 p.m., Blogger GC PHILO said...

HAHA! Hilarious. I've never seen this. The best responses were for the Hippo races and Vienna Boy's Choir questions. Priceless!

At April 02, 2006 6:14 p.m., Anonymous Sam C said...

lol, this reminds me of that show, "Talking to Americans" good laughs, good laughs......


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