Thursday, June 16, 2005

'trouble and strife' or 'til death do us part'

"No one told me it was going to be this difficult."

That's how Mr. M will answer if you ask for his impressions on being married to a strange woman from a strange land for the past 15 years.

Yes, today is our 15th wedding anniversary. A milestone of sorts if you go for quantity more than quality. If I had it to do all over again, would I? The honest answer? No, not under theses circumstances. We both realize now that deciding to settle here was a mistake and that we most likely would have had a much happier and more harmonious relationship living elsewhere. These circumstances are our reality right now, however, so we're dealing with them as best we can, but neither of us like it much.

The crossing of language and culture barriers was never easy and communciation still breaks down at times due to these factors. After all these years the balance of power has been tipped too far to one side to ever get it back where it belongs and I feel as if living here has made me lose a huge part of who I used to be. Mr. M agrees. He says he often wonders what happened to the happy girl he married and what he could have done to help her keep a bit of that happiness. Maybe I'm just not as adaptable as I thought I was. The way this country has made me feel about myself (or more aptly - the way I've chosen to allow this country to make me feel about myself - because it's all about choices, isn't it?) has had a huge impact on our relationship.

That's not to say that I don't care for my husband. I do. I love him. We've built a life together. While I know things could be much better, when I read about other people's relationship struggles, I give thanks for being stuck with someone like Mr. M. He is responsible, reliable, creative and a wonderful father. He makes me laugh (he also makes me cry - a lot) and most importantly - he can fix stuff. I like that in a man.

Happy Anniversary, Schnucki! Ich habe dich lieb.



the blushing bride



June 16, 1990
West Vancouver, B.C.

19 Comments:

At June 16, 2005 1:01 p.m., Anonymous Melody said...

Hello, I am here via Michele....
I am sorry that you are feeling a little down today. I can only imagine what it is like to live in a foreign country with the rest of your immediate family back in Canada. I always say that at the end of the day if you aren't happy you have to reavuluate (spelling?). Happiness means everything. Good luck with the choises you shoose.
Cheers.

 
At June 16, 2005 1:57 p.m., Blogger SwissTwist said...

15 years, wow! and with such a lot to deal with, I take my hat off to you!

I hope things improve, be it physically or a change in how you look at things. Be sure and know you are certainly NOT alone *hugs*

You made such a beautiful bride

 
At June 16, 2005 2:08 p.m., Blogger christina said...

Thanks for your kind words, Marisa!

 
At June 16, 2005 4:04 p.m., Blogger jen said...

I hear you, sista. I've only been here for two years and know that we're here for the long haul. I miss the girl i was just two years ago. I used to speak up, I used to be more confident. Its harder now. much harder.

 
At June 16, 2005 4:06 p.m., Anonymous MissMeliss said...

15 years - Congrats! (We celebrated ten in March.)

You know, my husband and I both speak the same language, and come from the same country, and we still have communication breakdowns from time to time (of course, this is largely due to "Male Pattern Listening").

Happy Anniversary, and thanks for the note :)

 
At June 16, 2005 9:32 p.m., Blogger chicagokarl said...

Congratulations ... Enjoyed your candid post. Makes me think about a number of parallels we have.

 
At June 16, 2005 9:58 p.m., Blogger Garnet said...

Congratulations and Happy Anniversary!! I, too enjoyed your candid post. :) Enjoy your day!

 
At June 17, 2005 12:49 a.m., Blogger Rick said...

Wow. You seem to be longing for something in your soul. Perhaps it is your soul that you are longing for???

Thyroid disease? I have low thyroid. The doc put me on 112mg and changed my life.

 
At June 17, 2005 6:09 a.m., Blogger J said...

Congrats on 15 years, Christina.

'These circumstances are our reality right now, however, so we're dealing with them as best we can, but neither of us like it much.'

I'm fairly sure that anyone who reads both of our blogs thinks we're the same person.

 
At June 17, 2005 8:32 a.m., Blogger christina said...

J - twins separated at birth, maybe? Except I'm probably at least 10 years older than you are!

 
At June 17, 2005 10:01 a.m., Blogger Elemmaciltur said...

A belated congrats! You look absolutely lovely in your wedding dress!

 
At June 17, 2005 1:06 p.m., Blogger mw said...

The bond between your husband and you must be strong for you to stay with him in a place that makes you feel so unhappy. I hope you find a way to feel better about things.

Here from Michele...

 
At June 17, 2005 1:41 p.m., Blogger Lynn said...

Belated anniversary wishes Christina. Thanks for dropping by, and please feel free to drop by anytime.

My own marriage only lasted 10 years, so you deserve kuddos. :)

A wet coolish day from Nova Scotia sends it's regards.

 
At June 17, 2005 6:58 p.m., Anonymous LSantos said...

First of all congrats, christina . WOW 15 years!
Although my partner is of the same nationality as mine, your post show a lot of my feelings, while living in Germany. And it's only been a year and a couple of months since we moved here. Starting with the language stuff, being the only one needing it for work (he doesn't) and I really dont's want to sucumb to the housefrau thing it's just not me, and also being away from friends (this parts is more difficult for B. than for me as I made friends easily with classmates). The last 8 months i dedicated myself to learn german and I'm almost going over the wall without having nothing else to do. Sure was not the right timming to move here, but sometimes sacrifices to se the other fullfill dreams should be made.
But the point is, we've been together for over 3,5 years (i know it's too little yet) and the last 6 months have been the hardest to keep things together. There is joy while staying at home but some days just going out the "ambience" just gets you. Like you, I'm also lucky and we are working this as a couple, two halfs of the same piece. that's the only way. But unlike you, we decided to move. Just hope we really can put the plan into practice. We're portuguese , by the way :)

Once again, congrats on the 15 years, for both of you. It's great to see relationships working out and finding it's right way. we believe we too are on the right track inspite of all the problems that cross our way ;)

 
At June 18, 2005 1:53 a.m., Blogger MoDigli said...

Congrats on 15 years of keeping it together! Relationships are so complicated, aren't they? Sorry to hear you are feeling conflicted. But your pics are lovely! :)

 
At June 20, 2005 6:22 a.m., Blogger J said...

Christina, probably ten years older than me at 42? That must be 'New Math' :)

 
At June 20, 2005 2:53 p.m., Blogger Antipodeesse said...

You wrote a very touching post Christina, and it "speaks" to me as well...!

 
At June 16, 2006 5:08 p.m., Blogger Ann said...

Happy 16th anniv! Basically in the same boat here, but have been married only four years. My husband also wonders what happened to the person he married four years ago. I was happier then, more confident, more assertive. More everything. Now, after four years of marriage and four years of living in Italy, I am a different person. I can't say if is a good or bad thing. Since the economy here is going downhill, plus neither one of us is happy here, we're planning on moving. Who knows when, but thinking/hoping eventually Canada.
Ann
http://www.blogcharm.com/amborg

 
At June 17, 2006 8:40 p.m., Blogger Ginnie said...

OMIGD, Christina. I love these wedding pics!!!

 

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